When Everything Changed
This most definitely isn’t what you would expect to find on the blog section of a makeup artists website. But I wanted to share more than makeup and speak about my experiences, not because I think you all want to read them but because it’s been something i’ve wanted to do for a long time and I believe it will be good for me. For the past week I have gone to bed, unable to sleep with words and feelings overwhelming me. I’ve probably been subconsciously apprehending today; 4 years since my brother died and fathers day. A double hit for my family and I.
I was 3 years old when my dad died and the youngest of 5 children. My mum- the epitome of a super woman, raised us single handedly, she is the most incredible woman. I never really felt like I personally missed on having a dad around, I was too young to know any different and I was surrounded by love. My brothers stepped up to the dad role really, Fran ( my eldest brother) was the strict one, the one who’s buttons you didn’t want to push, he’s always been practical and mature. And then Joe, he was more relaxed but passionately protective of us all. I know that the others were more affected by the loss of my dad, they were older and they knew him better and knew what had been taken away from them. We suffered more loss over the years but for me nothing quite compares to the day my brother died.
Theres a song, by Baz Luhrmann called “everybodys Free ( to wear sunscreen), funnily enough one that Joe had told me to listen to. There’s a line in it that says;
“The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday“
That was us, totally blindsided on Tuesday 21st June 2016. I got a call from my mum about 7.30am whilst I was watching Gossip girl (which I have never been able to watch since). It’s a weird memory now, I remember the call and I remember my mum hysterically crying “Joe’s died”. I don’t remember my exact feelings in that moment, I almost didn’t believe it. I was at my ex boyfriends house on my own at the time, with an hours drive home on the M6 at rush hour. Needless to say that was a horrific journey. I don’t feel like I can give an accurate description of the pain because words cant explain it. Heartbreak is a physical pain. I remember waking up in pools of tears forgetting for a split second what had happened and then the pain would hit again like someone sucker punched you in the stomach.
I feel as though it was a double hit for me when Joe died, I really notice the absence of my dad. I feel this more for my mum
It’s 4 years today since my brother died and life has changed a lot. The journey of grief is so difficult to comprehend. It is a complete whirlwind and what I noticed more as the years pass by is, there are few people that share in your grief with you. And people you thought would be with you on your journey may simply choose not to be. It can feel lonely and overwhelming but there is light. I have learnt that there is beauty in grief. You evolve from the pain and you find strength; The kind of strength that can make you feel invincible. Don’t get me wrong, the pain can still floor you but again I have learnt that that is a price you pay for love. And I would rather feel the pain knowing that. You have to remember that even in the darkest moments of life, there are always blessings to be grateful for. Gratitude is everything. Try not to think “why me”, ” poor me” as there is always something to smile about. You learn to appreciate all of the little things in life that truly matter but mostly the people who fill your heart with love.
I do feel that my experiences in life have totally shaped me. I have never felt as much compassion and empathy as I do now. No matter who, no matter what, we are human and we all bleed the same. If someone is hurting, they’re hurting. I try not to judge anyone as absolutely no one has walked in anyone else’s shoes. You don’t know why someone made choices they made. No one is perfect but it seems so many people (especially on social media) love to shame and throw opinions out not considering how their words may affect someone else. People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. By no means am I trying to suggest that I am a saint by the way- I’m certainly not. It just pains me if I think of people being sad or lonely. I wouldn’t wish those feelings on anyone.